Sunday, September 19, 2010

咒骂声响

怎么会有这种人啊?!!! 利用我的部落格来打广告,散播谣言,还有一些不三不四,乱七八糟的短片!! 我很气,我气得很不得马上就当面狂刮那个王八蛋的脸,然后三字经,四子真句,五花八门的把他骂个狗血淋头,惨不忍睹,再咒他个三生不幸,一生邋遢,倒霉神天天报到!

已经是在自己部落格的谈天角落写着,不要来在我的部落格里打广告的了。显然有些人不懂得看英文,还是嫌自己命太长,运气太好,明明是看不懂中文,却还说,很有意思!我每天都有来看!我说,你他妈的王八!俺老子没三天都不更新一次部落格,你来看啥屁?门儿都没有,还来硬是敲门?! 这种天打雷劈,八辈子都不复生!要么自己给钱,上网打广告,要么你先问过我!什么都没说,就丢一句话走人,要死啊?!老子都没去你那里撒野,你却来我这儿撒尿?!!狗屁不通!

还有个姓马的,竟然在我的留言箱里(Chatbox)留下 Facebook bahaya untuk semua! Sebarkan! 讯息连接Youtube上,一个白痴uztaz的传教,批评Facebook 怎样不好,怎样丢尽人格。我说,你看不懂我的部落格,来这里放话也就算了,竟然还太岁头上动土,传教起来?!!我气起来,上Youtube将之咒骂了一顿。你自己没脑子想,不懂得分析是非对错好坏,别一根烂草烧掉整片稻田,以为我们都是笨蛋傻瓜!!个人有个人想法。你要传教,自己开一个部落格,管你要说到天翻地覆,黑变白白变黑我都不会碰你一根寒毛!以为我好欺负?我剃掉的胡子都多过你的XXX。

最气的是,留在留言箱 (chatbox)里的留言都不能删除!没法咯!完全把留言箱给删除了。以后留言,就直接到我的部落格篇去留言吧!

士可忍,孰不可忍。我今天没大声大声地骂出来,我气难消。管他个优雅形象,我一早就没有形象了。百忍成精。我再忍下去,就走火入魔,变妖精了我。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~~~~~

Friday, September 17, 2010

死亡天使

这是自己在n年前些的短篇故事。想提的是,里面的所有的省略号,是为了让故事有那种,回音,朦胧,结束了,又好像开始了的感觉。看得懂了,谢谢你。看不懂了,也谢谢你。

….it’s the end… nobody's around… darkness… no light, no shadow… am I dead now… no pain, no feeling… tears flow out… no feeling… am I the only one now… darkness surrounding, like an endless valley… I don't know whether I am falling, or I am floating… no feeling…

########################

First day

Gloomy day… no sunshine at all… cold wind, cold weather, cold house, and cold carpet… I couldn’t stop asking god… why? Why am I so weary? Why am I so reckless? All the time, I’ve been preparing myself to face this… ever since I knew that something was wrong inside me, I tried to think of the worst, but why when it came to night time, when everything around suddenly got darken, when every single light was off from this empty space, everything that I’ve built up in me started to fall apart… I always wished for an angel, an angel to look after me… but then, who knew, the angel was a lie… everything he told was nice, nothing bad, nothing… deep down, I know… everything is bad… getting worse…

Second day

It’s the day, I was suppose to have it today… Never thought it’s so hard to wait… it’s the moment of waiting, when all bad thoughts come into mind… what if I died? What if suddenly he missed it? What if… all things started to turn around me… I couldn’t breathe… help…

Then, she showed up… she was so beautiful, but why did I feel fear?

Why did I feel coldness in my heart? Why was that when I saw her, I felt no joy…

Her feathers were black, glowing, not eerie, just sad… Her eyes were like pearls, but so deep, I couldn’t see the sparkle… Her eyeshade was red, not bloody, more like she had just cried… Her outfit was black… silky, no folds, so smooth, but I didn’t feel like touching it…

…Hei... she said… I can’t move. 'How are you? Why are you so scared…'

'…I have no idea what’s gonna happen on me…'

'Where’s your chain? The one she gave you?…'

Silence… I knew what she’s talking about.. but I couldn’t answer… It’s no longer with me… I couldn’t find it, I lost it…

We will meet again…' she said…


Third day

It all went out fine yesterday… I was so glad it happened just like what I wished it to be… Maybe for once the angel was right… Everything will be fine… I lied down, watching the sky… Still gloomy, but I felt like I could see the sun above the cloud, shining, warm…

…wow, snow… so light, so beautiful, gracefully, falling down… I looked through the window, thinking… this is the second chance I’ve got, and this is the one chance He gives me again… I’ll live a better way…

'…Think again…' she said… 'Think again…'

I couldn’t see her, but it’s like a whisper, so close… no smiling again…


Forth day

It’s still snowing outside… She was here today, when I woke up… 'You can run, you can’t hide…' she said…

'…Who are you?! Why are you here?!…'

'…I am always here, no matter where you go…' she smirked..

'…Who are you…'

'…I am the angel of death…' she said, calmly, no sympathy, no feeling…

Darkness came again… Coldness came again… light falling apart, hopes faded away… why was a death angel with me if I was given a second chance, a second life…


… you can run, you can’t hide…


Fifth day

Snowing… heavier… But my heart was covered with ice… no warmth… He told me everything was going to be fine… I asked about her, he said he doesn’t know bout her… His eyes blinked… with a shade of guilt inside, with a cover of black curtain blocking out the lights of hope used to be there… I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do…

'…So, I see u found out the truth…' she whispered, beside my ear…

I was frightened, sat up…she’s beside my bed, sitting on the armchair…

Wordless, I just stared her into her eyes…

'…Where is the chain?…' she smirked, knowing my answer…

'… I lost it , ok? Stop appearing like that… I don’t wanna see you again…'

'…lost huh? Now tell me, how did she die? And why?…'

I loved her, I fell for her, I gave her everything… that’s the chain she gave me… the only thing…

'…She died because that jerk cheated her, and she died because she cheated me…' My answer…So calm that I myself was even surprised of it…

'…really?'

She left, but darkness stayed even when she’s gone…


Sixth day

It's midnight...

…My head aching, my stomach twirling, like two tornado colliding into each other, but making everything worse instead of compensating each other… Her voice kept repeating in my ears… Really?… …really?…

…Really?…

Then, tears came… so quietly, noone noticed… She came back to me, begged me, told me it was a terrible mistake she made… we were too young, too young to know what’s right and what’s wrong… too young to know what’s love…

I pushed her away… The chain on my arm ringed… anger, hatred… attacked together on me…

I pulled it off me… blood dripped down, my heart tore apart… so was hers…

That night, she was gone… with the wind… she jumped down the street… I could still remember her face, so sad, yet so beautiful…

'…Where is the chain?…' she was there, again…

'… I threw it away, ok?!…' tears flowed down… I told myself not to cry again… I hate myself for being weak…

'…It’s my fault!!…' my heart broke down again… …I wanted her… no matter how hard she hurt me, I love her… if only I’d accepted her, she wouldn’t have died…

the candle glowed in dark, I couldn’t see it… my eyes were blurred, with tears, with guilt…

'… you are free…' she left…


Seventh day

What is the name of darkness? The hatred, the anger that controls us when deep down, we just want to be nice… the headache never faded, doctors running here and there… but I never felt so much peace before… I am dead, but I am free…

Darkness… no light, no shadow… no pain, no feeling… tears flow out… no feeling… am I the only one now… darkness surround… like an endless valley… I dunno whether I am falling, or I am floating… no feeling…

The name is… me… I set it free, I set myself free…

我是谁

今天又发疯了。我是一个很容易被影响的童真少年。发疯的原因,看戏看太多了。其实也不算发疯,只是,无聊耍酷,扮emo。

还是在寻找着自己的个性。我是一个怎样的人。有时候热情奔放,有时候冷酷无情,有时候慷慨,有时候一毛不拔,有时候是大好人,有时候每个人讨厌我,好像看到倒霉神一样。我很善变,超过一半以上的朋友/人说,我不成熟稳重。我很有想法,也很会坚持自己的立场,超过一半以上的朋友/人说,我很大男人主义。我有时候喜欢耍性子,有时候很过分的对待其他人,超过一半以上的朋友/人说,我很幼稚,自私,不顾他人的感受。

最近有时会很活泼,活蹦乱跳,夜深人静时,又会静静的看书,看戏,满满的感情泛滥,然后写一些肉麻恶心的部落格来自我陶醉。混淆了,我是双面人,人前人后两回事。我很会演戏。有办法在自己最不自在的时候,表现自如,仿佛是在自家的床铺赖床,逍遥。

毕业回国了。每个人都说,我没有医生样,嘻皮笑脸,衣服邋遢,一点都不像喝了7年洋水,嗑了7年红毛书的毕业生。我说了,回到家了,何必装模做样,扮清高?舒舒服服做回自己不好吗?待会儿像个医生样了,又要让每个人冷眼讥讽,说,喝了洋人水,鼻子长高了,自大了,看不起学历低的人。我已经知道了,会有怎样的余震感应。余震是毕业回国了。主震是出国念书了。怎样都是会有人说不是,还倒不如我行我素来的自在。

然后,决定了。还没找到一个愿意付托我终生的另一半前,就继续让我时而逍遥,时而幼稚,时而自私,时而大男人,时而耍酷... ... 反正,总好过夜半脱下面具时,面对的,是镜子里孤单的眼神,和部落格里每一个刺眼的箴言。笑。


真实最好

翻回了以前自己写过的一些部落格。说也没人信,我开始写部落格时,写的都是英文,现在看回,语病,错字,旮旮旯旯,惨不忍睹。哈哈。但是,很有满足感。那一年,才华横溢,还提笔写了几篇短篇故事。可惜,就是少了我的伯乐,给一些要好的朋友看了,个个都问我,是什么意思,想表达的又是什么?一些内在的含义,不是自己领悟出来的,就是缺少了那么一点点的震撼力。可惜啊,可惜。

答应了方方土傻仔要把自己以前的一些 ‘著作’ 放上来这里。笑。接下来的几篇,好像会有一点文化冲突的感觉。笑。中英大杂烩!笑。

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

寻找书中的眼泪

今天在购物中心徘徊了一阵子,后来决定放弃看戏,跑到书局里闲逛。然后终于做下结论,一个人逛书局是很危险的!因为,我又狂买书,然后荷包大出血,不省人事,奄奄一息,狂瘦下来。虽然心里很是满足,但是,接下来的几天/月,就要省吃俭用了。叹。

自觉得,爱书是我的优点,也是我的缺点。有时候,因为喜欢书,可以狂买书,然后废寝忘食的看书。但是,书中自有黄金屋,这句话可不是我说的。笑。妈妈时常说,买那么多故事书干吗?读了一遍就不会再去翻了。最近的借口是,以后让你的孙子继续读咯。哈哈。

喜欢看着自己读过的书慢慢的累积起来,然后,将之一本一本的包好,收进书橱里。我有个梦想,梦想有一天,能将自己房间的一堵墙,改建成一个连着天花板的书橱,然后在上面摆上满满的书,个别分类,然后,就在书橱前,放上一个小方桌,一片地毯,还有几个软软的枕头,像一个舒服的小角落,我空灵游走书香世界的宇宙。

最近看戏看多了,喜欢上了平静,却感动的戏,那种,没有大起大落,却能让人慢慢咀嚼,细细品尝,偷偷落泪,轻轻微笑的戏。然后,想起,我读过的书,没有几本是能让自己掉泪的。第一次哭,是哈利波特里,丹不多教授去世了,他那静静的,白色的葬礼。当时,我四周的空气,也飘着微微的感伤,冷冷的风,细细的雨,沉重的气氛。然后,我突然感觉到了,咸咸的泪水... ... 第二次读书掉泪,是读着 Alice Hoffman 的 The Seventh Heaven。 书中讲述着一个单亲妈妈,和一个小男孩的故事。其中一章,小男孩受了委屈,却倔强的静静不说。妈妈知道了,只是将小男孩拉进怀里,轻轻的拍着他瘦小的背后。小男孩轻轻的抽涕,我的眼泪也轻轻的掉下。几十个,几百个单调的文字,凑合了那么多的想象,衍生出那么多感觉。

我又开始寻找,字行间的眼泪。今天血拼,又买了好几本书。汗。妈妈看到了,又有话要说了。哈哈。

至少我爱的是书。是好事。笑。

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

祝福

两天前收到了一位要好的朋友传来的恶旬,说是几天前的身体检验,检查出了身体出状况,说是查出了初期癌症。自己听了,心里冷颤了一下。这是一位很要好的朋友,处人待事都是人中人,人上人。好心,有上进心,可惜天意弄人,让他得了癌症。朋友来电邮时也说,怎么会这样,他想也想不到,这种事会发生在他身上。

我混淆了,我郁闷了。我难过,好友有事了,我却什么也帮不上。从以前就一直有读到,看到,听到,好人没好报,坏人很逍遥,却怎么也没想到,这样的状况却发生在自己的朋友身上。惊讶不止,我暗自位朋友难过。能做的,就只有电邮,短讯来支持他,告诉他要加油,要坚强,要保持平常心,要事事往好的一面想。

昨天又收到了短讯,说是一个人在外公干,没有好友家人陪伴,很郁闷。我感觉,好难过。想起了,4年前,自己的了盲肠炎,必须进院留住。新年倒数是一个人过,2008年1月1号,医院冷清的可怕。一个人,一本书,一个音乐光碟陪我度过。那时,好寂寞,好想有个人陪着我。昨晚,陪朋友发短讯,告诉他说,不管怎样,要记得,这里有一个好朋友,会一直陪着他,支持他,让他不难过,不孤单。

人事无常,今天的难过,可能是明天的喜悦;今天的快乐,可能是明天的结束。迷惘了,明天会更好,怎样好?我想太多了。夜深人静时,就是脑袋运作最畅快的时候。越想,越乱了。

告诉朋友了,听歌吧!听歌可以让自己舒缓一下凌乱的情绪。我也听歌了... ...


诚心祝朋友,早日康复,拥有真正的明天会更好。

Sunday, September 5, 2010

海边

喜欢看海的感觉,是一片一望无际的海,比自己的心更能将所有的心是吞噬,所有的杂念用浪花冲走,留下更清晰的思路,来继续生存在这个混乱复杂的世界。最近很烦,可是,最气的是,烦的,都是一些自己绝对不可能,也没有能力改变的事实。马来西亚的未来,没了。这是我的结论。每天听新闻,看网上报道,讲的都是某某某怎样挑拨是非,搬弄种族纠纷,造就种族分裂等等,看得都烦了。然后跟家人朋友聊天,聊起了,就越聊越气。已经好几天了,都是这样的乌烟瘴气来冲昏自己的头脑,觉得,是傀儡,怎样都不能摆脱被控制的苦。可悲将来的路渺茫,想到说,未来的几年内,我的路该怎样走,我就烦。累。

还记得以前在考试时,写了一篇最少有7面长的作文,叫 ‘海边漫步’。那时,这篇作文拿下了我有史以来最高分的一次,现在回想起来,我也已没有那样的文笔来挥洒了。苦笑。很多当时用过的字,忘记了。更甚的是,那一篇作文,在妈妈清理旧书时,一并丢掉了。汗。现在只能自我偶尔沉醉一下,满足那虚荣的自己的心。哈哈。

今天去看海了,看看海边是否还有带走我心事的魔术。阴天的海有点伤感,加上有点漂雨,所以心情有点蓝蓝的。只记得,口里一直喃喃的横着蔡健雅的歌,说,‘哗笑的夜色,我们的心事关上了门,我的心我的耳朵,只听见下雨声...’。明明没事也会无缘无故的自我悲伤。苦笑。哈哈哈。

被傻仔说我的笑点很低。笑点低是好事吧!我是这么想的。难得人生短暂,能笑就笑吧!笑看人生,我好潇洒哦!哈哈。

没东西写了,结束。