Saturday, March 27, 2010

自言自语

曾经自我的自尊是那么的高
高过了自己能达到的天空,
结果有一天,被猛猛的摔在地上,
刹那间,伤口满身,血流不止。

慢慢的,伤口复合了。
像寓言故事说的,
钉在柱子上的钉子拔掉了,
伤痕,留下来了。

自尊又慢慢的找回来了。
但是,面对着同样的事物,
感觉不同了。
或许,敞开心来,
真正的把自己狠狠地刮一巴,
看清真相,
也许,放下了,
也算是放空了自己的心。

我是自由人。

PS. 以前,每每觉得自己做错了什么,总会是放上一层的保护层,然后想说,是喜欢我,或了解我的话,应该会原谅我,或者说,应该会至少让自己下台时,不会那么尴尬。心理学家说,这是自我保护的一种,原因是,自尊心太强了。我是属于骄傲类型的人。这句话,从小学时,老师在派成绩单时,都向家长提过了。本性难移; 至少,现在,自己了解了。

学着会放下自尊,学着认错,学着,不只自己有自尊,别人也有。学着,但是,好难。难在,有时候,自己都不知道自己做错了;难在,有时候,明明不是错的,掰着掰着,变成自己错了;难在,认错了,别人说,你都不是真心道歉,那我干吗要硬接受你的那份假歉意;难在,自己想做好人时,被反过来咬了一口,血流不止了,还被人指责,说是我装模做样,搏同情。

突然间有想哭的冲动。

以前在部落格上好像有写过,过度保护自己,就像仙人掌,刺伤别人,可能也会刺伤自己。曾几何时,我脱下了带刺的外套。今天,我再次将心包起来了。没有了刺,伤不了人,伤不了自己;但是,也感觉不到痛了。痛够了,是时候解痛了。

还是在自我保护中。我在想,如果没有了这一层的防御层,可能就是跳下去,说再见了。放心,我没那么笨,我还没活够!

我闭嘴什么都不说了。我写部落格。

Monday, March 22, 2010

分享

这些是我几天下来,在Facebook上放上的status update。自己觉得还蛮有意思的。在这里分享,不在于让人家赞叹,还是反映,而是,能让自己以后读回时,能回想,当自己写下这一些字句时,那时的心情,感觉是怎样的。笑。

at some point, we will realise that, we won't always get what we want, so, settle down with what we have, and work for what we need. but somehow, we will feel bad for what we've lost, but not appreciating what we've got. The human animal instinct says, why not more, if we CAN have more? N hence the greed...

i guess there's always a tini winey bit of jealousy going on, no matter how much u think u can cop with the situation. Somehow the view of it makes u feel abandoned, ignored, or just isolated, while the fact being, YOU were the one who first started to ignore, abandone, and isolate others... yea... karma the bad ass..

there's no goodness, when there's no evil; no kindness when there's no selfishness; no light when there's no darkness; and no holiness, when there's no devil.So don't think of ourselves too high, or too good, cos if there's no other people around, you r just a normal human being.

epic fail with so much negativity around,pushing the steel-cold-mercury-like cruelty into the sense of conscious, freaking the humanity,humility,self-esteem,respect,sympathy out of the cracking brain and breaking heart. perhaps one day,when there will be no more human, we will then actually live how we were supposed to be... extinct...

sometimes when i say it's complicated, it means it's COMPLICATED! don't expect me to explain detailly to u, considering tat u won't understand it anyway, taking into account that our mentality, and the fact tat the beginning understanding points of view of ours are totally at different level. So u can't judge me, u don't have the right to judge me.. ignorant is bliss.. i'm blissfull.. or more like, blistering...

i guess once u got hurt, u'll be scared to open up to anyone else. n,u stay away from tat some1, not cos of hatred, but more of the fear of being hurt again,n to cry, n depress, n go thru everything all over again..i would rather get killed fr anaphylactic shock caused by prick fr the poison thorns on me, protecting me from being hurt, rather than die a agony pain fr the heart-tearing despair that will drive me crazy.

i suddenly have a very weird thought, but seriously, think about it: i think heaven will be a suckie place, if, let's say, only those who believe, will be saved, n go to heaven. i mean, they won have any fried chicken, lamb chop, beef steak, or maybe even any food(vege..), considering those foodstuffs din 'accept' who-must-not-be-named-here into their 'heart'... hmm... cannibalism it is...... hence, yiakie...

god gives us brain, so that we CAN think, and choose what we are supposed to do, n more importantly, being ABLE to differentiate the right n wrong. if we have to put everything in front of him, and ask for his help, then we might as well just say, DEAR GOD, PLEASE TAKE BACK MY BRAIN, AND MAKE ME UR PUPPET. I LOVE BEING UR PUPPET, SO PLEASE DON'T WASTE THE NEURONS ON ME....

it's like the process of having stroke.. first u got TIA, but then, u just ignore it, n then, after somimes, woala, stroke, and u lost everything... there's no signs of telling u when it will occur, but u can't prevent it, once u ignore the fisrt warning... so, here we go, post-stroke grieving period~

Thursday, March 18, 2010

莫斯科天气预报

莫斯科的天气一直在变化中。上个礼拜,天空放晴,温度也慢慢增加。以为说,春天终于都到了,再看雪堆也都融化了,超高兴。结果,这个礼拜,突然又开始风雪交加,温度下降。今天最低温,零下8度。上个礼拜,零度。

因为温度突然下降,加上不是很好的睡眠,今天,头开始隐隐作痛。想说,最近还真闷得发慌,加上,心情闷闷的,就随便写一些东西。

休息了。大家注意身体,不要病了!

PS. 星期天度了身体,为毕业袍作准备。好兴奋哦!哈哈。

Saturday, March 13, 2010

我的歌

那天闲来无事,研究着如何将一首歌,或音乐,假如图片,字样,然后编成一个短片。结果如下:



没错, 是我唱的。笑。钢琴也是自己胡乱摸出来的。哈哈。感觉还不错咯,我觉得!笑。

照片是自己在欧洲旅行时拍的。最喜欢的是曲末那张,手举起,比上和平的标志。

怀念欧洲旅行时。笑。

灰色

雨后有彩虹
我的世界没有天空
世界是灰暗的
气球在灰尘中飘动

对错没有界限
是非缺少了平衡点
或许选择忽略
灰色就不再是显眼

可能是自己的一意孤行
可能是彼此间的分岔点
可能是各自的思想观念

忽略不再是选择
逃避是自己衰弱
只能往前走,
灰灰的,恢恢的... ...

我喜欢灰色,
淡淡的,没有情绪
我享受灰色,
漂浮着,没有重心
我哭着灰色,
忽略了,曾黑白分明

因为爱过了,因为伤过了,
以为爱对了,结果不对了,
重新爱过了,再次伤到了,
黑白变成了灰色... ...

我喜欢灰色,淡淡的,淡淡的...
我享受灰色,漂浮着,沦陷着... ...
我哭着灰色,凌乱的,忽略了... ...










伤着... ...